Buried 10 feet down in a small cramped box

I wanted to write this so I would never forget.

I can remember several times in my life – usually after listening to a Ray Charles song – when I would put on a blindfold to see what it would be like to have no sight. I was usually focused on how one would navigate through the world. Of course, with putting a blind fold on, one can just as easily take it off, there is no danger of actually experiencing blindness, therefore it’s a useless simile.

I’ve read the account of St.Paul in the Bible (Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth) and I can now relate to his experience. (Acts 9:4, NIV) For you see, I woke up two days ago blind. Thats right, Blind as a bat. I can tell you there has been no experience as terrifying as this in my life. While I had no booming voice come down from the sky, I can tell you my own voice spoke volumes. Such as “God, please don’t do this to me”.

Like Saul of Tarsus, I remained bling for three days and then my eyesight began to return little by little. The thing I remember vividly was that all of the little trivial little hurts and happenings that I identified as catastrophe’s in my life were all but meaningless. I swore from that day to see them as such. And of course two days later they are already creeping back in- therefore the remembrance in writing this article so that I do not forget so easily.

I’m sure many of us have had experiences that wake us up from time to time. This was a major wake up call for me. It reminded me to live every second in gratitude for everything, to be able to walk, to talk, to taste and of course to see. To not let the trivial first world problems filter into my daily thinking, to be completely present.

I’ve never felt so terrified in all of my life. It felt like I was buried 10 feet underground in a small cramped box. I hope you can imagine this and you also may take away from my story, the gratitude of being alive and something as simple as walking that we all take for granted.

This is for Kristina

This is for the girls who run, who only let themselves fall partially, who push people away because they’ve convinced themselves they’re going to leave anyways.

This is for Kristina with the guarded heart who has a difficult time letting down their walls and really opening up. This is for the girls who’d rather be alone because it’s become their place of comfort.

There’s a certain type of comfort in being alone. It’s become part of you. It’s become your norm. You know all you have to worry about for the day is yourself, you don’t have to worry about anyone else and their emotions. You don’t have to feel worried that you’re going to let someone down or that they’ll let you down. You don’t have to worry about not being enough. You don’t have to worry about being lied to or getting your happiness ripped away by the person you love because no one is in charge of your emotions except for you.

You are your own responsibility and you are the creator of your own happiness.

Then love comes knocking, someone like Alex who tries to break his way into your cold, fragile heart and you consider it. You decide maybe it’s time to try to let someone in so you give it your best shot. You go to dinner, you let them kiss your lips, you let them say sweet things to you but you’re still not convinced. You’re not convinced this will work, you’re not convinced they’ll stay so you start to push them away.

You start to find reasons to dislike them and find things that are ‘wrong’ with them. You convince yourself they aren’t right for you and you push and push and push until they leave, just so you can prove to yourself that everyone really does leave, even though deep down you know it isn’t true.

Most of the time people in your life don’t leave by choice, they leave because you force them away because you’re not ready to open your heart and risk it breaking again.

You push people away because you’re scared, because you’ve been hurt before, because the person you trusted with every cell in your body decided you weren’t what he wanted. He left you shattered on the floor in pieces and that’s not something you think you’re ready to handle again, so you don’t even allow yourself the chance.

But life isn’t meant to be lived alone.

One day you’ll stop pushing everyone away and you’ll start accepting people for who they are. You’ll start to realize that not everyone wants to hurt you. You’ll start to realize not everyone is going to leave. You’ll start to open your heart to the possibility of romantic love.

You will find someone who wants to stay, who stays even when you try to push him away because he can see through the tough exterior you put up. He will stay because he loves you and because he can see you just need someone to prove to you that they won’t run away once you’ve exposed the deep parts of you. He will stay because he needs you in his life.

You will find someone who loves you just for being you and he will remind you why love is magic.

This is for the you Kristina who have been broken but will find the strength to heal her heart on their own. This is for the girls who run before even giving love a chance, the ones who shut their hearts off and convince themselves they’re better off alone. I understand you because I am you in a male body, but one day someone is going to break down the barriers we’ve built around our hearts and make us realize why the best thing we could ever do for ourselves is trust someone enough to let them in because not everyone leaves and we all deserve to be loved completely.

I won’t hurt you Kristina.