Cubes Of Blue Energy Found!

From “The Onion”

The blue energy cubes should currently be powering escalators, vending machines, planes, and “everything else,” according to citizens.

NEW YORK—Expressing their disappointment and frustration at the current state of technology, citizens across the nation reported Thursday that they figured everything would run on some sort of cubes of blue energy by now.

Americans of all ages and demographic groups explained to reporters that they thought the cubes would be “basically everywhere you looked at this point,” saying they could not understand why translucent, pulsating blue cubes of energy did not yet exist, and why they were not currently being used to power appliances, lighting, various modes of transportation, and all manner of personal electronics.

Many theorized that the blue cubes of energy would last between 50 years and forever, and that those in need of more cubes would simply be able to pick them up at a local “cube station.”

“All you’d have to do is pick up the cube and put it on a thing you want to have power, and that would give it power—why can’t I do that yet?” said Lawrence Faber of Tampa, FL, one of millions of Americans who was confused that he was currently unable to fully charge his iPhone battery “in, like, 10 seconds” simply by holding the device in the vicinity of a blue cube of energy. “They’d be these cubes and they’d just be there and make everything work, like computers and TVs and stuff.”

“You know, like blue energy cubes,” Faber added. “We should have those.”

Although the majority of people surveyed were unable to verbally describe the cubes beyond “blue” and “glowing,” many pantomimed box-like shapes with their hands to demonstrate their best guess as to the general appearance of the blue cubes of energy, often adding, “like this.”

“I figured there would be a real big cube that would sit in the middle of town that powered all the streetlights and things like that, and then a smaller cube in your house for your refrigerator and your heaters and everything else,” said Youngstown, OH resident Kendra Morgan. “And then you’d have some littler cubes that you could carry around with you in your pocket for whatever else you needed them for, like a blow dryer or a coffee machine, and the cubes would make all of them run.”

Many theorized that the blue cubes of energy would last between 50 years and forever, and that those in need of more cubes would simply be able to pick them up at a local “cube station.” Others speculated that the cubes would be far more powerful than today’s energy sources, including oil, coal, and natural gas, because “they would have so much energy inside of them.”

Most Americans agreed, however, that the cubes would be affordable, noting that every citizen would have “a bunch.”

“You wouldn’t have to plug them in—they would just sit there and make power,” said Stephen Garcia of Mesa, AZ, later adding that everyone would be able to make their car run by simply placing the cube in the automobile’s “cube holder.” “But they would be really quiet, too. And when you carried them around, they wouldn’t zap you or be too hot to hold or anything, even though all the energy would be whirling around inside.”

“The cubes wouldn’t hurt people; they would help people,” Garcia continued.

Additionally, many Americans surveyed said that the blue cubes of energy would be incredibly durable and would never break, even if they were dropped on the ground or a drink was accidentally spilled on them.

But by far the biggest recurrent complaint reportedly stemming from the lack of blue cubes of energy was that further technological advances—namely “even faster” blue cubes of energy—were being held back due to the cubes not yet having been invented.

“How are we all supposed to live in space if we don’t have the blue cubes of energy?” said David Reston of Batavia, NY, later adding that NASA would probably develop its own special “super” blue energy cubes. “We need those cubes for our spaceship boosters to get us around in space. And how are we going to live in our houses up on Mars without those cubes?”

“At this rate, we’ll never have the red, floating spheres that make you live forever,” Reston added.

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